5 things I learned about me today in my book study

I struggle with weight, eating properly, cross training motivation. Okay and bills and cleaning and and and ...

I am doing a book study with a group at work. We call it a "Mindful Eating" group and we are reading and discussing "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Today was a day of breakthroughs.

Here are some points of self discover from today.

1 - I kinda already knew this - I am WAAAAAY better at giving advice than taking it, even my own advice.
2 - I don't want to grow up. Maybe I am afraid to. Maybe I think it's dumb. Don't know yet.
3 - I say really mean things to myself that I would not say to other people.

4 - and this is a big one - I am defiant.

4 - DEFIANT: It is a role I either chose or fell into as a child, youth and young adult and as an adult I am finding that this is something that I let define me. Even if it doesn't always benefit me. It is who I have come to define myself as. I am DEFIANT. This may be why I struggle with dying my hair a "normal" color. It may be why I refuse to pick up after myself or why I would rather throw out dirty dishes and buy new ones than to just wash them. It explains a lot. It explains why I am never quite happy just being me. Because if I were just me, what would that be? Would it be acceptable? Do I care?

1 - I would tell myself it's okay to be me. I don't know if I would listen.

2 - I had to make a list of things that EXHAUST me and things that SUSTAIN me. Turns out all my exhaust things were like normal day to day stuff mostly. AND my sustain things were things that were FUN. FUN to me. So basically saying, I am a kid. I don't want to clean my room. I want to ride a carousel and eat cotton candy all day. It's hard for me to find middle ground. OH that could be 5. Let's add it.

5 - I don't have a middle ground.

Things are always EXTREME for me. I am on a mega crazy diet or I eat what evs I feel like. I have straight brown hair or mermaid day glow hair. I clean and throw everything out or I live in a hoard and a mess and I LIKE IT. (I think I like it.... )

3 - oh, yes. #3. I say mean things to myself. I would never call anyone stupid (except if I were joking cuz I am being funny and we have a relationship like that) but for reals, even in anger I would be a bit kind with my words but on a DAILY HOURLY basis I call myself names like "stupid" - "fat" - "dumb" - "can't you remember anything?" - "why did you eat that you blankity blank" - YES I even swear at myself and that is something I DO NOT TOLERATE in others. So why is it okay for me to say to me? Am I defiant even with myself? Am I not letting myself group up with the words I choose?

There are also subtle things like CAN'T. I can't do this, I can't do that, I can't eat that...

I read yesterday a cool thing that said when you are trying to change your lifestyle when it comes to food don't say "I CAN'T EAT THAT" say instead, "I DON'T EAT THAT." and take the power back from the food. It's not that you CAN'T - its a free country, eat what you want. But when you say "I DON'T EAT THAT" it puts you in charge of what you eat. It says - yup - I thought about it and I am not eating that anymore and it's MY CHOICE, not yours or a doctors or some skinny girls... ITS MY CHOICE.

I like that. I like choices. I LIKE MY CHOICES... mostly, even if wrong, if it was my choice..... mostly

sometimes I make BAD choices...

I don't have a lot of answers today. I just wanted to write these things down before I forget them because I forget stuff. No name calling there. But well, kinda.. right? Anyways. I wanted to write it down so that I can think about these things and figure out the root of them so that I can move forward.

I really don't want so many bad lifestyle habits. I want to be healthy, happy, wealthy (at least not in debt right?) and I want to make smart choices about my future and even if I don't "grow up" exactly I do need to prepare for my future.

As for this week I am going to think about what I say to myself. I am going to try my best to be kind and gentle with me and not a jerk. I am going to try to find the reasons I am able to give advice and not take it. I truly with all my being want everyone to be happy and be the best YOU - you can be....

Shouldn't I want that for myself too? And act like it? And REALLY be nice to myself... ya. nice.

*** side note *** some of these things in moderation can be a good thing but when taken to extremes and are hurtful to myself... not so  much, there are times to be young and free and defiant and brash. But maybe there is a time to grow up. Just a little. I don't want to change what makes me ME. I like who I am mostly.

I want to change inside what makes me feel bad about me.

Sometimes, I am my worst bully.