Thursday, September 11, 2014

Holy carp BETTY FRICKIN FORD GALAX - SAAAAAY are you on another diet?

True fact - this one is always GAINING OR LOSING weight. Stability escapes me. In more ways than one HA HA. So frickin YES! I am on yet another diet. WTF you say, just eat right. SHUT UP - SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE AND great, now I want pie.

This time I have gone back to an old standard. WEIGHT WATCHERS and of the types of WEIGHT WATCHERS I am doing the POINTS system, not POINTS PLUS, just POINTS, so I have to use a little calculator thing-a-ma-bob to calculate the weenie teeny tiny amount of crap I get to stuff my face with. Little teeny weenie baby sized portions. IN FACT - babies look at my food and be like "IS THAT ALL YER GONNA EAT? WAAAAAAH!!!" then they cry - cuz babies cry.

I wonder how long this little shabu moo moo diet will last. Skat-ska-dooo don't know. BUT I hope it lasts a long ass time. I need to cut like 40 pounds of fat-fatty-fat-fat from my body. True story - I weigh 183. You are only as sick as your secrets they say so there...No more secret - It's out there. I frickin frack fiddely fact weigh 183 pounds. That's like two 11 year olds. That's like strapping a back pack full of russet potatoes on my back and a 10 pound watermelon on each leg when I go skating. SORRY ASTHMA! I am kinda a bitch to you and let us get big like a house. Like a nice big house for a family of 6 kinda big house. But I want to be more svelt like a condo or a summer cabin. At least I am not a mansion. So there is that. I am only kinda obese not morbidly obese but you would think it MORBID if you thought about it the way I think about it. It is kinda MORBID upstairs these days, not gonna lie... WHY? - again you are only as sick as your secrets. I learned that in a 12 step group AND as a matter of fact. I am also looking at the 12 step group for people who are "compulsive" eaters. I very much fall into that category. DAMN IT. I do. so be it.

And that has helped me actually to face my shit and get real and honest with myself and see the path I need to take to get this 40 pounds of potatoes and watermelons off my body! No one wants that. I am tired of my derby pics looking like Homer Simpson is wearing my shorts. OVER IT. And you can be all like, YOU SHOULD LOVE YERSELF and love your body and curves are sexy and blah blah frickin BLAH!!! the only people who really say that IMHO are skinny people and people who don't care if they are fat. HEY THERE!!! ... I DO LOVE MYSELF, that is why I am trying to lose weight. It is when I don't care about myself that I eat like a horse hog on Tuesday and Tuesday is free taco day at the farm. Ya know. It is because my knees hurt like a biatch after practice and my back hurts like I have been chopping wood all day and my asthma is going to punch me in the face and my sleep apnea is slowly killing me because I have refused to take a look in the mirror and just DO SOMETHING DRASTIC! and I don't mean surgery drastic or starving drastic. I do mean counting points and just eating LESS >>>AND PRAYING ABOUT IT<<< that is for those who say "Where is God in all of this?..." So ya know, God says "DUDE BETTY! That is NOT the body I picked out for you! I wouldn't have gave you all those rad clothes and costumes just for you to get fat yo!" he is giving me all these options and I have to stop waiting for a SIGN or a catastrophe to do something... and yes, sometimes God calls me by my derby name.

Just so ya know... It is not for a lack of working out that I am chub-city. It is because I eat like my husband. It's not his fault.He eats for his size. But I eat for his size too. There are studies done with facts by smarty pants peeps in colleges who get paid to study weird shit and tell us about it that SAY >>> You are the size of the 5 people you are around most... or something like that. Well, unless I do something I am kinda screwed. My eating habits are that of a 6'4" construction dude. In reality I am a 5'3" pretty princess who sits at a desk all dang day and types. TYPEY TYPEY MONKEY PUNCHER. So like my fingers are svelt and my brain is SHARP CITY but the rest of me is saying DUDE KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF AND PUT THE FORK DOWN... YA THE FORK! Put it DOWN... DOWN!!! NO! Don't pick it back up! HEY! I SAID DOWN!!! HEeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy DOWN!


So - um Weight Watchers - day frickin 4. I started the first 3 days at 23 points but have cut back to 21 points. I can do that. It's still a lot of frozen trays of plastic goodness I can throw down my throat. YUP - I am only eating PRE PACKED PROCESSED FOOD!! WTF BETTY! WHY! That CANT be healty... GUESS WHAT,,, yer right. It's not ... BUT neither is being 40 pounds over weight. FOURTY!!!! I have read every book, I have done every everything and what is helping is NOT being trusted to create my own portions because THIS ONE CAN CHEAT!!! if there is a loop hole I am in it, if there is a cheat, I take FULL advantage and then I am off to the races with hot dogs and soda pop and elephant ears and all the other food you get at the races.

I got this one app - for my phone - to keep track. it has a count down of the points I can eat. So fooling easy. I am on day 4 and I don't want to kill anyone yet. You should see me day 4 of a cleanse or south beach.. More like SOUTH BITCH... ya - I get HANGRY. SO HANGRY and I can't stand that. I need to eat, just not as much, but see that is hard... so again. To recap.

BFG > Weight Watchers > losing 40 pounds.
My goal is to lose 40 ish by the first game of 2015. That is in Feb something something. That is about 5 months. So that is a pretty HEFTY goal (ha ha PUN intended). I would be happy losing most of it by the first bout and losing all of it by ROLLERCON!!! 2015!!! I do this all the time. I start diets, I get thinner and then I just get lost or side tracked or SQUIRREL! and I stop doing it. And then I - like most people - gain all that crap weight back and then some - like a BONUS from the universal slap in the face - not ONLY will you gain back your weight you will gain back EXTRA!!!

oh then some of you foodie nutritional folks are going to say to me... but if you just made a "life change" and not a diet then you wouldn't gain it back, blah blah - thems just words. They are probably true for some people but they are words and for someone like me... I can't make a "life change" when I want to just punch myself in the face every day for not havin self control. I tried a zillion times. I tried everything. I am out of tries. There is no more TRY there is JUST DO!

Thanks YODA. I hope I can do this. Cuz not wearing my closets full of cool shit SUCKS and skating with potatoes and watermelons SUCK TOO!

I don't think I am being to hard on myself. I used to do the stand up comedy and I deal with hard issues with jokes. It's what i do. I am not masking anything or hiding or anything. I am out there. IN YOUR FACE! still trying. still going. Still being Betty Ford Galaxy.

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