momma bear says... what do I call my kids? derby cubs?

Today has been EMOTIONAL. So has been this week, this month, this year,,, well, no since 7ish years ago... but a lot right now.... a lot of EMOTIONS happening up in here.

Coaching 20 teenaged girls is EXHAUSTING. Not because they are jerks or mean but because they are precious humans in their teens having real life experiences. Because they are perfect and wonderful and fragile and strong and OPINIONATED all at the same time. Because they bring joy to my life and I want them to have every wonderful opportunity available to them. I want so much for them. I want their youth to be enjoyed and not grow up to fast. I want them to not have to go thru some of the crap jack things I had to go thru. I want them to be happy.

I am so in awe of parents. Your job is so much harder than mine. I only have them a few hours a week.

And yet I take my job super seriously. I am responsible for my actions and behaviors. I am responsible to teach them good things. I am responsible for their safety. I am responsible... LIKE A PARENT.

THAT IS CRAZY! JUST WHAT?!?! If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would start a junior league, one of the first two EVER and help create a board and more teams til we had 7 teams with 100 skaters and to help other leagues/people start other junior leagues and well, I would have said you were crazy yourself. And yet here I am.

This GEEKS ME OUT! I am not a parent. I am 42 and didn't have kids and all the sudden I have so many kids. OKAY - it wasn't sudden but sometimes I think, this is not not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife, HOW DID I GET HERE?!?! (if you get the reference, you are old too.. HA HA)

A few years before I became a coach I was at a little league game and I asked how much they got paid. I was shocked to find out they DIDN'T GET PAID! And I could not fathom why on earth anyone would give up that kind of time to help kids especially those coaches who didn't even have kids. I am super forgetful but God has me remember that as though it just happened. It is so fresh in my mind that in less than a decade I went from someone so selfish and misunderstanding to a person who understands "civic duty" - who loves my sport so much I want to share it with the world and make sure there is a future in it. A person who can care so deeply for someone who is not my kid, or sister or cousin but a kid I coach.

There should be a special word for it. Something that sounds better than a "kid I coach". I have recently just started posting on Facebook calling them "my kids" and then I thought I might geek out some parents or confuse some friends. What would that word be? Derby Kid? Derby Daughter? Brat?




This year I have been put in a position of standing up for them and what I think is right. I am so glad I did.

Truth is - doing the right thing isn't always easy. It may mean giving up something, a dream, something. But doing the right thing... no matter how hard is always the RIGHT thing. It's only been a few weeks and I still wonder if I made the right choice. I second guess myself a lot - wish I didn't but I do. And as hard as giving up one dream because it hurt the kids I love... well. new dreams are coming true and the kids and families are all so super supportive. I don't want to go into detail about what I had to do but trust me. Apparently I have MAMMA BEAR INSTINCTS. Don't mess with my kids.... or any kids for that matter.

Anyways. It is a true joy in my life. I am so blessed to be a coach.
Even on the days they stress me out - totally worth it.
Kids are more precious than gold.

If you ever get the chance to coach a kid - especially junior derby - embrace it. And do the best you can.

It is SOOO worth it.

(For new coaches I suggest this book - Positive Coaching -
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Coaching-Building-Character-Self-esteem/dp/0982131704
That is until I write my own....)

5 things I learned about me today in my book study

I struggle with weight, eating properly, cross training motivation. Okay and bills and cleaning and and and ...

I am doing a book study with a group at work. We call it a "Mindful Eating" group and we are reading and discussing "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Today was a day of breakthroughs.

Here are some points of self discover from today.

1 - I kinda already knew this - I am WAAAAAY better at giving advice than taking it, even my own advice.
2 - I don't want to grow up. Maybe I am afraid to. Maybe I think it's dumb. Don't know yet.
3 - I say really mean things to myself that I would not say to other people.

4 - and this is a big one - I am defiant.

4 - DEFIANT: It is a role I either chose or fell into as a child, youth and young adult and as an adult I am finding that this is something that I let define me. Even if it doesn't always benefit me. It is who I have come to define myself as. I am DEFIANT. This may be why I struggle with dying my hair a "normal" color. It may be why I refuse to pick up after myself or why I would rather throw out dirty dishes and buy new ones than to just wash them. It explains a lot. It explains why I am never quite happy just being me. Because if I were just me, what would that be? Would it be acceptable? Do I care?

1 - I would tell myself it's okay to be me. I don't know if I would listen.

2 - I had to make a list of things that EXHAUST me and things that SUSTAIN me. Turns out all my exhaust things were like normal day to day stuff mostly. AND my sustain things were things that were FUN. FUN to me. So basically saying, I am a kid. I don't want to clean my room. I want to ride a carousel and eat cotton candy all day. It's hard for me to find middle ground. OH that could be 5. Let's add it.

5 - I don't have a middle ground.

Things are always EXTREME for me. I am on a mega crazy diet or I eat what evs I feel like. I have straight brown hair or mermaid day glow hair. I clean and throw everything out or I live in a hoard and a mess and I LIKE IT. (I think I like it.... )

3 - oh, yes. #3. I say mean things to myself. I would never call anyone stupid (except if I were joking cuz I am being funny and we have a relationship like that) but for reals, even in anger I would be a bit kind with my words but on a DAILY HOURLY basis I call myself names like "stupid" - "fat" - "dumb" - "can't you remember anything?" - "why did you eat that you blankity blank" - YES I even swear at myself and that is something I DO NOT TOLERATE in others. So why is it okay for me to say to me? Am I defiant even with myself? Am I not letting myself group up with the words I choose?

There are also subtle things like CAN'T. I can't do this, I can't do that, I can't eat that...

I read yesterday a cool thing that said when you are trying to change your lifestyle when it comes to food don't say "I CAN'T EAT THAT" say instead, "I DON'T EAT THAT." and take the power back from the food. It's not that you CAN'T - its a free country, eat what you want. But when you say "I DON'T EAT THAT" it puts you in charge of what you eat. It says - yup - I thought about it and I am not eating that anymore and it's MY CHOICE, not yours or a doctors or some skinny girls... ITS MY CHOICE.

I like that. I like choices. I LIKE MY CHOICES... mostly, even if wrong, if it was my choice..... mostly

sometimes I make BAD choices...

I don't have a lot of answers today. I just wanted to write these things down before I forget them because I forget stuff. No name calling there. But well, kinda.. right? Anyways. I wanted to write it down so that I can think about these things and figure out the root of them so that I can move forward.

I really don't want so many bad lifestyle habits. I want to be healthy, happy, wealthy (at least not in debt right?) and I want to make smart choices about my future and even if I don't "grow up" exactly I do need to prepare for my future.

As for this week I am going to think about what I say to myself. I am going to try my best to be kind and gentle with me and not a jerk. I am going to try to find the reasons I am able to give advice and not take it. I truly with all my being want everyone to be happy and be the best YOU - you can be....

Shouldn't I want that for myself too? And act like it? And REALLY be nice to myself... ya. nice.

*** side note *** some of these things in moderation can be a good thing but when taken to extremes and are hurtful to myself... not so  much, there are times to be young and free and defiant and brash. But maybe there is a time to grow up. Just a little. I don't want to change what makes me ME. I like who I am mostly.

I want to change inside what makes me feel bad about me.

Sometimes, I am my worst bully.