You control your derby destiny...

Roller Derby is like working out. You must push yourself to do more or you will never do more.

If you can do 10 push-ups and all you ever do is 10 push-ups – you will never do 20 push-ups. BUT – if one day you push yourself until you do 12 push-ups and keep at it until 12 is your new normal - then you push yourself to do 14 until 14 is your new normal, etc... eventually you will hit 20.

As you go, the last two are not going to always be your best push-ups, they won’t be pretty but you will be getting stronger. But if you never add more on, you will never do more. You will never get to 20.

Derby skills are like that. You can’t skate backwards until you try and try it 100 times and fall and get up and try again. You won’t leap or leap higher or stop or stop faster or stop the fastest on both sides if you don’t push yourself. Celebrate the small victories as progress and proof that you are getting better. No one has reached their derby potential yet but several have self-limited themselves and seem to be content with where they are at. Don’t be that person. Push yourself. Do more push-ups. Push yourself to be a better skater.

Expect to fall. Except to look silly trying. Expect that by pushing yourself one day, that skill will be memory and you can move to even greater skills.  I always say "If you aren't falling or making mistakes at practice you are not trying hard enough." or "If you can breath at the end of this drill you didn't go fast enough or try hard enough". Practice at 110% so on game day 100% is easy and you can focus on the game at hand and not "oh I hope I can stop to my left". Or what ever it is that gets in your head that is NOT the game.

Coaches can show you what do to and how to do it but YOU have to push yourself to do it and more.

You control your derby destiny.

momma bear says... what do I call my kids? derby cubs?

Today has been EMOTIONAL. So has been this week, this month, this year,,, well, no since 7ish years ago... but a lot right now.... a lot of EMOTIONS happening up in here.

Coaching 20 teenaged girls is EXHAUSTING. Not because they are jerks or mean but because they are precious humans in their teens having real life experiences. Because they are perfect and wonderful and fragile and strong and OPINIONATED all at the same time. Because they bring joy to my life and I want them to have every wonderful opportunity available to them. I want so much for them. I want their youth to be enjoyed and not grow up to fast. I want them to not have to go thru some of the crap jack things I had to go thru. I want them to be happy.

I am so in awe of parents. Your job is so much harder than mine. I only have them a few hours a week.

And yet I take my job super seriously. I am responsible for my actions and behaviors. I am responsible to teach them good things. I am responsible for their safety. I am responsible... LIKE A PARENT.

THAT IS CRAZY! JUST WHAT?!?! If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would start a junior league, one of the first two EVER and help create a board and more teams til we had 7 teams with 100 skaters and to help other leagues/people start other junior leagues and well, I would have said you were crazy yourself. And yet here I am.

This GEEKS ME OUT! I am not a parent. I am 42 and didn't have kids and all the sudden I have so many kids. OKAY - it wasn't sudden but sometimes I think, this is not not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife, HOW DID I GET HERE?!?! (if you get the reference, you are old too.. HA HA)

A few years before I became a coach I was at a little league game and I asked how much they got paid. I was shocked to find out they DIDN'T GET PAID! And I could not fathom why on earth anyone would give up that kind of time to help kids especially those coaches who didn't even have kids. I am super forgetful but God has me remember that as though it just happened. It is so fresh in my mind that in less than a decade I went from someone so selfish and misunderstanding to a person who understands "civic duty" - who loves my sport so much I want to share it with the world and make sure there is a future in it. A person who can care so deeply for someone who is not my kid, or sister or cousin but a kid I coach.

There should be a special word for it. Something that sounds better than a "kid I coach". I have recently just started posting on Facebook calling them "my kids" and then I thought I might geek out some parents or confuse some friends. What would that word be? Derby Kid? Derby Daughter? Brat?




This year I have been put in a position of standing up for them and what I think is right. I am so glad I did.

Truth is - doing the right thing isn't always easy. It may mean giving up something, a dream, something. But doing the right thing... no matter how hard is always the RIGHT thing. It's only been a few weeks and I still wonder if I made the right choice. I second guess myself a lot - wish I didn't but I do. And as hard as giving up one dream because it hurt the kids I love... well. new dreams are coming true and the kids and families are all so super supportive. I don't want to go into detail about what I had to do but trust me. Apparently I have MAMMA BEAR INSTINCTS. Don't mess with my kids.... or any kids for that matter.

Anyways. It is a true joy in my life. I am so blessed to be a coach.
Even on the days they stress me out - totally worth it.
Kids are more precious than gold.

If you ever get the chance to coach a kid - especially junior derby - embrace it. And do the best you can.

It is SOOO worth it.

(For new coaches I suggest this book - Positive Coaching -
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Coaching-Building-Character-Self-esteem/dp/0982131704
That is until I write my own....)

5 things I learned about me today in my book study

I struggle with weight, eating properly, cross training motivation. Okay and bills and cleaning and and and ...

I am doing a book study with a group at work. We call it a "Mindful Eating" group and we are reading and discussing "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Today was a day of breakthroughs.

Here are some points of self discover from today.

1 - I kinda already knew this - I am WAAAAAY better at giving advice than taking it, even my own advice.
2 - I don't want to grow up. Maybe I am afraid to. Maybe I think it's dumb. Don't know yet.
3 - I say really mean things to myself that I would not say to other people.

4 - and this is a big one - I am defiant.

4 - DEFIANT: It is a role I either chose or fell into as a child, youth and young adult and as an adult I am finding that this is something that I let define me. Even if it doesn't always benefit me. It is who I have come to define myself as. I am DEFIANT. This may be why I struggle with dying my hair a "normal" color. It may be why I refuse to pick up after myself or why I would rather throw out dirty dishes and buy new ones than to just wash them. It explains a lot. It explains why I am never quite happy just being me. Because if I were just me, what would that be? Would it be acceptable? Do I care?

1 - I would tell myself it's okay to be me. I don't know if I would listen.

2 - I had to make a list of things that EXHAUST me and things that SUSTAIN me. Turns out all my exhaust things were like normal day to day stuff mostly. AND my sustain things were things that were FUN. FUN to me. So basically saying, I am a kid. I don't want to clean my room. I want to ride a carousel and eat cotton candy all day. It's hard for me to find middle ground. OH that could be 5. Let's add it.

5 - I don't have a middle ground.

Things are always EXTREME for me. I am on a mega crazy diet or I eat what evs I feel like. I have straight brown hair or mermaid day glow hair. I clean and throw everything out or I live in a hoard and a mess and I LIKE IT. (I think I like it.... )

3 - oh, yes. #3. I say mean things to myself. I would never call anyone stupid (except if I were joking cuz I am being funny and we have a relationship like that) but for reals, even in anger I would be a bit kind with my words but on a DAILY HOURLY basis I call myself names like "stupid" - "fat" - "dumb" - "can't you remember anything?" - "why did you eat that you blankity blank" - YES I even swear at myself and that is something I DO NOT TOLERATE in others. So why is it okay for me to say to me? Am I defiant even with myself? Am I not letting myself group up with the words I choose?

There are also subtle things like CAN'T. I can't do this, I can't do that, I can't eat that...

I read yesterday a cool thing that said when you are trying to change your lifestyle when it comes to food don't say "I CAN'T EAT THAT" say instead, "I DON'T EAT THAT." and take the power back from the food. It's not that you CAN'T - its a free country, eat what you want. But when you say "I DON'T EAT THAT" it puts you in charge of what you eat. It says - yup - I thought about it and I am not eating that anymore and it's MY CHOICE, not yours or a doctors or some skinny girls... ITS MY CHOICE.

I like that. I like choices. I LIKE MY CHOICES... mostly, even if wrong, if it was my choice..... mostly

sometimes I make BAD choices...

I don't have a lot of answers today. I just wanted to write these things down before I forget them because I forget stuff. No name calling there. But well, kinda.. right? Anyways. I wanted to write it down so that I can think about these things and figure out the root of them so that I can move forward.

I really don't want so many bad lifestyle habits. I want to be healthy, happy, wealthy (at least not in debt right?) and I want to make smart choices about my future and even if I don't "grow up" exactly I do need to prepare for my future.

As for this week I am going to think about what I say to myself. I am going to try my best to be kind and gentle with me and not a jerk. I am going to try to find the reasons I am able to give advice and not take it. I truly with all my being want everyone to be happy and be the best YOU - you can be....

Shouldn't I want that for myself too? And act like it? And REALLY be nice to myself... ya. nice.

*** side note *** some of these things in moderation can be a good thing but when taken to extremes and are hurtful to myself... not so  much, there are times to be young and free and defiant and brash. But maybe there is a time to grow up. Just a little. I don't want to change what makes me ME. I like who I am mostly.

I want to change inside what makes me feel bad about me.

Sometimes, I am my worst bully.

My inner child brain needs to grow up... my past is keeping me from the future I want and deserve

 

 I am doing a weight loss challenge with some friends. It's a 10 week basic % of weight loss challenge. It just started and ends APRIL 1st - No foolin! We have a private FaceBook group where I instructed everyone to post a picture of their bathroom scale showing their current weigh. 

Here is a post I posted to the group this morning... Then I was thinking... Maybe this should be on my blog... 

----

I really am glad I said you had to post our weight. I feel really "honest" about my efforts. I know you all are too. It's been interesting as they all get posted what my brain does.

- i get excited because another person has officially joined the challenge
- i didnt know there were SO many different scales
- i look at the weight... more than me? less than me? can I weigh that?
- it makes me happy to not be in this alone
- makes me want to beat you

It's so many emotions and thoughts. It's funny how my WHOLE life I compare myself to EVERY GIRL. Am I taller/shorter. Is my hair prettier/worse. Am I thinner/bigger. Do i like my clothes better/or hers? Am I smarter than her/is she smarter? Do I make more money/she is loaded? If I see a mini cooper - do I have more bells and whistles/whose car is cleaner (not mine)?

On and on and on! Let's be clear - I don't JUDGE you. I am JUDGING ME. I don't say it out loud - I don't think any of the answers makes someone a bad person or that I would not be their friend. It's all about building me up or tearing me down and I KNOW that it is NOT productive. It's not real. I don't even know how tall you guys are so comparing a number is silly. Like my front adult brain knows this but my back sad little girl brain doesn't.

Even when I have been THIN and FIT - still happens... I have a great car - still happens....

How do I turn this off and just accept who I am as I am?
How do I just see you and not compare you to me?
How will I ever lose weight if I can't just do it for myself and not to "BE" something compared to someone else?

I am working with a book group lead by a counclor around eating, why we eat and the group reads and discusses a book called "Women Food and God".

As you might know I am in a 12 step spiritual recovery program - I am working my 4th step this time with my sponsor around food. And writing about my food resentments.

I am attacking this at all sides. I feel like I KNOW what to eat. I have read 1000 diet books and been on countless diets. I know how to work out. I have two gym memberships, I have INSANITY, P90X, Tony Hortons 10 minute trainer, Jillian Michaels Body Revolution, I think I even have a hip hop abs dvd and lots of random one off DVDs. I have tons of work out equipment in my house and room to work out.

All of the knowledge in the external world is not going to help me until I understand what is inside of me that sabotages my efforts.

The more I sabotage my own I want to help others. Like somehow if I can help you lose weight, be a better skater, find happiness, etc then somehow my own shortcomings or lack of effort won't be so bad. I am a RAD coach. I am smart, like I said. I have read a ton of books on sports, working out, nutrition, etc. I have taken classes. I have studied hard to be the best coach I can be and it shows in those I coach. Why can't I take my own advice? Why do I not do the things I expect of those I coach? Why do I make excuses?

I am no lazy. I am messed up. I need to conquer my inner demons. I need to learn to love myself and help myself the way I love and help others.

I have a different perspective today than I have in the past about why I don't lose weight or if I do, I gain it back. This also goes into my financial situation and my house keeping skills, hoarding, other self sabotaging actions. Over the past year I have really cleared out my house. That has been a great achievement for me. There is still ways to go but I am currently typing this in my craft room which once was a room to full to get into. Progress not perfection. I can see now that it is not my genetics holding me back. It is not that I am lazy or my body can't do it. It is mental. I feel I am taking those steps needed to be the person I really want to be inside and out. I have not overcome them yet by any means but I see them now and am learning to understand what goes on in my head. I couldn't get past them before because I didn't even know there were there. I didn't understand that what was keeping me from my goals, weight loss or other, was myself. Not anything external or out of my control.

With the counseling group, the 12 step work (writing it out 4th step style) and lots of prayer and meditation I think 2013 is going to be a year of breakthroughs.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now which is a miracle itself, because until recently... I didn't even know I was in a dark tunnel.