I am doing a weight loss challenge with some friends. It's a 10 week basic % of weight loss challenge. It just started and ends APRIL 1st - No foolin! We have a private FaceBook group where I instructed everyone to post a picture of their bathroom scale showing their current weigh.
Here is a post I posted to the group this morning... Then I was thinking... Maybe this should be on my blog...
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I
really am glad I said you had to post our weight. I feel really
"honest" about my efforts. I know you all are too. It's been interesting
as they all get posted what my brain does.
- i get excited because another person has officially joined the challenge
- i didnt know there were SO many different scales
- i look at the weight... more than me? less than me? can I weigh that?
- it makes me happy to not be in this alone
- makes me want to beat you
It's so many emotions and thoughts. It's funny how my WHOLE life I
compare myself to EVERY GIRL. Am I taller/shorter. Is my hair
prettier/worse. Am I thinner/bigger. Do i like my clothes better/or
hers? Am I smarter than her/is she smarter? Do I make more money/she is
loaded? If I see a mini cooper - do I have more bells and whistles/whose
car is cleaner (not mine)?
On and on and on! Let's be clear - I don't JUDGE
you. I am JUDGING ME. I don't say it out loud - I don't think any of
the answers makes someone a bad person or that I would not be their
friend. It's all about building me up or tearing me down and I KNOW that
it is NOT productive. It's not real. I don't even know how tall you
guys are so comparing a number is silly. Like my front adult brain knows
this but my back sad little girl brain doesn't.
Even when I have been THIN and FIT - still happens... I have a great car - still happens....
How do I turn this off and just accept who I am as I am?
How do I just see you and not compare you to me?
How will I ever lose weight if I can't just do it for myself and not to "BE" something compared to someone else?
I am working with a book group lead by a counclor around eating, why we
eat and the group reads and discusses a book called "Women Food and
God".
As you might know I am in a 12 step spiritual recovery
program - I am working my 4th step this time with my sponsor around
food. And writing about my food resentments.
I am attacking
this at all sides. I feel like I KNOW what to eat. I have read 1000 diet
books and been on countless diets. I know how to work out. I have two
gym memberships, I have INSANITY, P90X, Tony Hortons 10 minute trainer,
Jillian Michaels Body Revolution, I think I even have a hip hop abs dvd
and lots of random one off DVDs. I have tons of work out equipment in my
house and room to work out.
All of the knowledge in the
external world is not going to help me until I understand what is inside
of me that sabotages my efforts.
The more I sabotage my own I
want to help others. Like somehow if I can help you lose weight, be a
better skater, find happiness, etc then somehow my own shortcomings or
lack of effort won't be so bad. I am a RAD coach. I am smart, like I
said. I have read a ton of books on sports, working out, nutrition, etc.
I have taken classes. I have studied hard to be the best coach I can be
and it shows in those I coach. Why can't I take my own advice? Why do I
not do the things I expect of those I coach? Why do I make excuses?
I am no lazy. I am messed up. I need to conquer my inner demons. I need
to learn to love myself and help myself the way I love and help others.
I have a different perspective today than I have in the past
about why I don't lose weight or if I do, I gain it back. This also goes
into my financial situation and my house keeping skills, hoarding,
other self sabotaging actions. Over the past year I have really cleared
out my house. That has been a great achievement for me. There is still
ways to go but I am currently typing this in my craft room which once
was a room to full to get into. Progress not perfection. I can see now
that it is not my genetics holding me back. It is not that I am lazy or
my body can't do it. It is mental. I feel I am taking those steps needed
to be the person I really want to be inside and out. I have not
overcome them yet by any means but I see them now and am learning to
understand what goes on in my head. I couldn't get past them before
because I didn't even know there were there. I didn't understand that
what was keeping me from my goals, weight loss or other, was myself. Not
anything external or out of my control.
With the counseling
group, the 12 step work (writing it out 4th step style) and lots of
prayer and meditation I think 2013 is going to be a year of
breakthroughs.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel
now which is a miracle itself, because until recently... I didn't even
know I was in a dark tunnel.
